No pain jumping, please!

In my early 20s, I would not think twice before lighting up a cigarette whenever I was stressed. Seven years later, I would close my eyes and try to meditate.

Today I would do neither when struggling with negative emotions.

We all try to avoid feeling painful emotions. If done for too long, it can manifest as something more serious such as depression, chronic physical pain, eating disorder or addictions.

Sometimes we choose a spiritual path to avoid intense emotional pain.

Most people who start on a spiritual practice are trying to avoid some painful emotion, often unconsciously. It is very rare that a joyful, balanced, well-adjusted person desires something beyond body and mind pursuits.

I was no different in my 20s. Outwardly, I had no reason to complain. I was fit, making good money, and had a great social life. But my inner life was a mess. That is not the worse part. The worse bit was that I was not even aware of my inner reality. I was so disconnected with myself. I was always chasing the next high, unconsciously, in the vain hope that it will fix me and make me whole.

Then I had a glimpse of myself by an accident. A dear friend convinced me to sign-up for a 10-day silent meditation retreat. My well-meaning friend thought it would help.

The retreat was a pure horror. No phones, no talking with others. I was forced to be with me. It was like spending 10 days with a person I had worked hard to avoid my whole life.

I had a glimpse of my restlessness and stubbornness.

After the retreat, I kept pursuing this spiritual path for three more years. It required strict discipline of daily meditation at home for at least two hours. I would feel peace and relief for some time but soon my restlessness and resentments would return.

Later on, I realised that I was suppressing my emotional pain through the concentration built in meditation. There was no healing. However, this realisation created space for real transformation.

Not all meditations are alike. Some facilitate opening of the heart and are conducive for healing, others not so much.

Our heartaches, chronic pains and traumas are longing for an expression. Whether we suppress them by working 16 hours a day, partying or intensely absorbed in a mediation object makes no difference. The unresolved pain will still try to seek expression. Healing pain in the body, mind and heart is a necessary step in our spiritual evolution.